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Adult Children of Alcoholics: Characteristics and Getting Help

Medically reviewed by Dr. Po-Chang HsuJuly 8, 2024
Written by
On July 8, 2024

Table of Contents

Key Points

  • Being a child of an alcoholic teaches you unhealthy and dysfunctional patterns of relating to yourself and others.
  • Learning new ways of interacting and communicating with others can break the unhealthy patterns you learned as a child.
  • Building a strong support network of professionals and peers can help you overcome the limitations you learned as a child.

Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Growing up in an alcoholic household increases your risk for emotional, relationship, and social problems. The effects of a parent’s alcohol use disorder can be felt beyond childhood and can have lasting impacts into adulthood. These long-term effects limit how you interact with others.

Parental Alcoholism’s Impact on Children

According to a 2017 report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), 10.5% or 7.5 million children ages 17 and younger lived with a parent who had an alcohol use disorder in the United States between 2009 and 2014.[1] 

Alcohol use disorder is the recurrent use of alcohol that results in problems such as being unable to control use, failing to meet responsibilities at school, work, or home, having poor health, and spending an increased amount of time getting, using, or recovering from the effects of using alcohol. Parental alcohol use disorder can have negative effects on their children.

Children with a parent with a substance use disorder (SUD) are more likely than their peers whose parents do not have substance use disorder to have lower socioeconomic status and increased difficulties in academic and social settings and family functioning. Children with a parent with an SUD are at an increased risk of experiencing direct effects, such as parental abuse or neglect, or indirect effects, such as fewer household resources.[2]

Psychological and Emotional Impact

The Laundry List 

Known as The Laundry List among the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families World Services Organization, it was originally written semi-anonymously by Tony A. in 1978.  The list is of fourteen common traits of children of alcoholics. Many people have found it helpful to understand how growing up in a dysfunctional home environment has impacted their adult lives. The following are character traits from The Laundry List[3] 

  • Being isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
  • Being approval seekers and losing your identity in the process.
  • Being frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
  • Being alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive or addictive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill your abandonment needs.
  • Functioning from a victim’s viewpoint and being attracted by that weakness in our relationships.
  • Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility.
  • Feeling guilty when you stand up for yourself instead of giving in to others.
  • Being addicted to excitement.
  • Confusing love and pity leads to “loving” people you can “pity” and “rescue.”
  • Having denied your feelings from your traumatic childhoods for so long, you have lost the ability to feel or express your feelings because it hurts so much.
  • Judging yourself harshly and having a very low self-esteem.
  • Fear of abandonment results in codependency; you will do anything to hold on to an intimate relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings.
  • Alcoholism is a family disease. You may have taken on the characteristics of that disease even though you never had a drink.
  • You are reactive rather than proactive.

Personality Sub-Types

While there are similar traits seen among adult children of alcoholics, they are not a homogeneous group. One study identified five personality subtypes among adult children of alcoholics with the following tendencies.[4] 

  • Inhibited subtype: passive, self-conscious, depressed, ashamed, experience feelings of inadequacies, guilt, anxiety, and discomfort in social situations. 
  • High-functioning subtype: articulate, conscientious, energetic, creative, and empathic.
  • Externalizing subtype: abuse drugs and/or alcohol, act impulsively, take advantage of others, and be manipulative, critical, deceitful, and angry.
  • Emotionally Dysregulated subtype: many have Borderline Personality Disorder features, notably a tendency for emotions to spiral out of control, to have difficulty soothing themselves, and to have problems with identity and impulsivity.

Reactive/Somatizing subtype: physical and emotional reactivity to interpersonal slights and conflicts, development of somatic symptoms in response to stress, ruminating on relational problems, reacting severely to slights or insults, holding grudges, and tending to be critical, controlling, anxious, and angry.

Risk of Developing Alcoholism

In the United States, one in five adults has lived with an alcoholic family member as a child. [5] Alcoholism runs in families and not everyone struggling with addiction attends alcohol rehab, and children of alcoholics are two to ten times more likely to become alcoholics than other children. [6] Many children with an alcoholic parent have also experienced some form of neglect or abuse in the home.

Support Resources

Children and adolescents with parents with alcohol use disorder can benefit from educational programs and mutual help groups such as Al-Anon and Ala-teen. Early support and intervention can prevent more serious problems and reduce the risk of future alcohol use disorder for the child.[7] Mental health providers can diagnose and treat problems the child may be experiencing. 

Mental health providers can help the child understand they are not responsible for their parent’s drinking problem, and the child can receive help for their needs even if their parent refuses treatment. Group therapy can help the youth not feel as isolated due to their family’s problems. Family therapy can be helpful if the parent has stopped drinking to help the family develop healthy ways to interact with each other.

Mutual support groups are helpful for adult children of alcoholics; examples of these types of groups include Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Individual therapy can help address the unhealthy coping mechanisms the ACOA may be using and dysfunctional interactions with others based on the laundry list they have learned and been working off of thus far in their life.

Helpful Coping Strategies

The following are coping skills that can be helpful for adult children of alcoholics. 

Awareness and Prevention: Knowing that as an adult child of an alcoholic, you are at a higher risk of developing an alcohol use disorder based on genetics and the environment you grew up in, you can self-monitor your alcohol intake and avoid binge drinking.[8]  You can be more aware of red flags, such as using alcohol to self-medicate for anxiety, depression, or guilt. 

Behavioral Skills: Learning relaxation techniques, assertive communication skills, systematic desensitization, and healthy relationship boundaries.

Exposure Therapy: Many ACOAs have extreme avoidance of conflict and other emotionally intense situations. Learning to stay present in the moment, even when your anxiety spikes, helps reprogram your old patterns of avoidance and desensitize you to the fears that you have been conditioned to from growing up in an environment of family dysfunction.[9]  

Building Resilience: People with resilient personalities have developed those characteristics by having strong confidence in their ability to meet challenges and control their negative effects. Neither of these characteristics is typical when growing up in an alcoholic home. However, these are three areas you can focus on to build resilience [10] 

  1. finding meaningful purpose
  2. believing that one can control or influence life events
  3. belief that growth and learning occur from both positive and negative events. 

Support Network: Talking about your memories and feelings in a safe and supportive community can help reduce stress and help you heal from the past. Trusting others to assist you when needed is a big step in growth. Your support network to help your growth and healing may include individual therapy, mutual support groups such as Al-Anon, and trusted close friends or family.

You’re Not Alone. Overcome The Challenges of Growing Up in an Alcoholic Home

Adult children of alcoholics are a heterogeneous group, and support should be tailored to meet the individual’s needs. The better your understanding of how family factors have impacted your adjustment and resilience, the better you will move beyond your maladaptive behaviors and irrational beliefs. With knowledge and support, you can grow and change.

Medical Content Writer

Amanda Stevens is a highly respected figure in the field of medical content writing, with a specific focus on eating disorders and addiction treatment. Amanda earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Social Work from Purdue University, graduating Magna Cum Laude, which serves as a strong educational foundation for her contributions.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Adult Children of Alcoholics

Both are acronyms for Adult Children of Alcoholics. One includes the O in of, while the other does not.

Being an ACOA does not doom you to living in dysfunction for the rest of your life. Recognizing that your family environment as a child was dysfunctional means you can get help now as an adult so you do not repeat the same patterns in your home. Individual therapy and mutual support groups are both effective in overcoming unhealthy patterns and learning new ways of interacting with yourself and others.

While you can’t force another person to change, you can share your concerns, offer support, and encourage them to seek treatment. Finding a support system for yourself is important, even if your loved one chooses not to seek treatment now.

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[1,2] Lipari, R.N., Van Horn, S.L.. (2017, Aug 24). The CBHSQ report: children living with parents who have a substance use disorder. Rockville (MD): SAMHSA, Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality. Retrieved from https://www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/report_3223/ShortReport-3223.html on 2024, June 26. [3] Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. (2022, March 1). Laundry list. Retrieved from https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/ on 2024, June 26. [4] Hinrichs, J., DeFife, J., & Westen, D. (2011). Personality Subtypes in Adolescent and Adult Children of Alcoholics: A two part study. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 199(7), 487. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3143015/ on 2024, June 26. [5,7] AACAP. (2019, May). Alcohol use in families. Retrieved from https://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Children-Of-Alcoholics-017.aspx on 2024, June 26. [6,8,9,10] Hall, C. W., & Webster, R. E. (2007). Risk factors among adult children of alcoholics. International Journal of Behavioral Consultation and Therapy, 3(4), 494–511. Retrieved from https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2008-06146-003.html on 2024, June 26.
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